Wednesday 29 January 2020 21:40
The pressure I’ve put on myself this month is beginning to get to me. I’m researching, and brainstorming, and writing, from before dawn until late at night; and getting nowhere.
I’m writing it’s true, but I’ve no energy or concentration left to do any drawing, and that’s beginning to feel counterproductive.
The novel that for a few years has been whispering in my ear to be written, seems to have got hold of a megaphone now; but it’s a story that I’m reluctant to write. Where it’s leading is fascinating, but it’s a story that’s based in the future, and I can’t see a way to avoid it being all darkness.
Bizarrely, so much of the research I’m doing with regard to generating income online keeps pointing me into the frightening future we’re hurtling towards, and I’m in need of some sunshine right now.
The isolation is getting to me too, though I know it’s the only way I can do this; but it’s increasingly lonely. The solution is far from simple (although a lottery win might go some way towards it 😀 ). What I need is people who are in the same boat, to pool ideas and resources. No-one can understand how frightening this is…
I type that, and tears well up. Bad day.
One positive thing I did, today, was write to the people with the beautiful space nearby that would be perfect for a ‘real life’ creative circle. It’s a long shot that they’ll be interested, but it would give me a huge lift if that dream could be made a reality. It’s not an income generator so doesn’t count as progress in that sense, but it would be nice to feel I’d got something positive happening creatively.
On Friday evening I’ll do a round up of how the first three weeks have gone – what I’ve really achieved, if anything. Then Saturday starts a fresh week and Month 2. I need it to bring some fresh energy with it, and I need to set some proper goals.
Now it’s only 9.30pm, but I’m pooped. There’s a hot water bottle warming the bed, and Jessie’s curled up on the pillow, so I think I’ll call it quits for today and hope to be greeted by some inspiration and a lighter spirit in the morning.
Sorry. I did promise to be honest and report on the bad days. I’m still hoping they’ll be few.